Get Thee Behind Me, Obama
Oh boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a Southern Baptist Preacher!
Yea, in a deep slumber I was lifted up by a being, that I believe was an Angel. She took me by the hand as we flew through the night air. And I spake to the Angel, “Wherefore art thou taking me? Can ye tell me?” To which the Angel replied, “You betcha.”
We stopped, and hovered in the dark skies, over a great city. Lo and behold, she pointed toward the firmament and said unto me, “Below is a modern Sodom. Below is a Tower of Babel. But there’s a whole lot worse, ya know.”
I looked to which she pointed. “Is this not the seat of our government? Is that not Capital Hill? What in the name of heaven, could be worse?”
The Angel squeezed my hand and I did wince. “Sorry, I use to fish for a living. I guess I don’t know my own strength. But you sure do know your real estate,” she spake to me.
“Why have ye brought me to this unholy place? I beseech thee.” She looked at me through her glasses and smiled. The smile of an Angel, and a bosom to match. I must confess my sin to thee, my brothers and sisters, for I had carnal thoughts. I lusted for this creature.
“Forgive me!” I cried. “For I have had immoral images of me and thee in my mind.”
To which she laughed. “Oh sweetie, there’s nothing to forgive. You’re the one who created all those hot pin-up pictures after all. Of course you want me. At least the fantasy me.”
Then we began to fall. Faster and faster we plunged toward the earth, and I was sore afraid. We fell from the heavens as a meteor, streaking down to a large white house. Despite the Angel’s reassurances, I knew this was to be my punishment for my indiscretion. I was to perish. My mortal body dashed. My flesh rendered. My bones case upon the roof. But it was my soul, for which I did dread.
And behold we passed unscathed, right through the building! Deeper, yet deeper, we went into bowels of the earth. Oh, my friends, my faithful flock, I do not use that term as an allusion. For it did stinketh a great stench. The vile odor doth filled my nose. We moved farther into the earth, through this gaping maw to Hell. Right to it’s very center. To the realm of The Dark One.
A glowing red did meet mine eyes, and a mighty wind did break o’er me. Yet we descended. Until above a vast blood colored lake we did soar. A cry arose from the lake, and yet not just one voice did rise to my hearing, but millions of anguished voices. To my horror, I did see uncountable numbers of forms thrashing in this sea.
And I said unto the Angel, “What is this place? What have these people done to deserve to drown in an ocean of blood?”
The Angel thus spake, “It’s not blood… It’s red ink. They’re drowning in the debt of The Obamanation.”
“Holy Fucking Shit!” I did screameth.
“Oh, yeah. You betcha,” The Angel did reply.
“Angel,” I did implore. “Return me to my bed. Please tell me this is but a shadow of the future.”
“Sorry Charlie, I’m no Angel.” she replied.
Oh, I was much perplexed. Then suddenly I understood. “But governors can’t fly.” I did state.
“I’m not a governor anymore,” she sayeth. “I’m a rogue conservative.” Then she did dropeth me.
Screaming, I did fall, until I landed upon The Beguiler, The Deceiver of Worlds, The Silver-Tongued Serpent, The Man of Many Faces, yet even The Obamanation, and smote him with a great smiting. Yea verily, did I smush him.
Can I get an Amen?
Author’s note: Don’t worry, I was just fine. When you land on that much bull crap, it’s pretty soft. Smelly, but soft. Just like his stand on foreign policy, Afghanistan and, and… But that’s for another sermon.
***
When you’re finished reading this, you can either click through to leave a comment or retweet on Twitter.
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 
| 
